Having no family

This has to be one of the hardest blogs I've ever had to write.

It's hard to tell every detail and events that lead up to this but it has been going on for the better part of 10years. My family has had cracks in it since I can remember, from bad housed to care home we have been through it all. Have the family spit apart, the things that happened in care still only a few people know the full details. My brother dieing put a massive devide into the mix as he was one of the good guys that fought for things and spoke his mind (and I mean in the good way and not the asshole way the others think are a good thing)

Everyone had a hard time with this, of course they would, someone like my oldest brother dieing at the age of 25 would shock anyone, but while I dove into a world of raves and drugs, others jumped into the bottle, the weed smoking and other outlets. Was I just stronger or was I just lucky to have a group of friends who helped me, guilded me and made sure I didn't go to far down the rabbit hole.

I would still say I'm not over the passing of Lewis but unlike some I've delt with it... I've prosestd it and decided to move on and make something of myself, the drive that he had and the efficks he had I took as my own. It still pushes me today to do something that he would look down and say I'm proud of how far you have come.

I bring this up as it give you an idea of how I work, hard long hours with a goal so I can make myself a better person, I've traveled to parts of the world I never through I would see, I've live in a forren land, I'm a profeshal in 2 fields, and have a passion in my life that has not only taken me places but will continue to as well.

But in all this I never forgot my family, I spoke with them most weeks and saw them when ever I could, my family was my core, the thing I knew would always be there in hard times and I always respected them, never took them for granted and never took the piss, I would tell them my views on things and give advice. Never telling them what to do but tried to give an explanation of what was going on or wrong when I was asked to.

My farther told me of late that he left his kids to make there owe decisions in life, make there owe mistakes and learn from them. While this aprosh has work on me, it has not worked we'll on others and that is what has lead me to the place I am right now.

People have expectations of what they want, some forse there views on others, some what you to live there lives. And this is were I am the most different from my family I think. I don't want to live my farther a life, or my mothers or my brothers.... I want to live my life.

I'm sorry but having children does not make you a better person, it does not make you an adult and it most certenlay does not fix a broken relationship.

I have herd it a million times that, you will not understand till you have kids... To that I say who the fuck do you think you are? Having the biolouchal ability to have a child does not make you some kind of superhuman with magic throughs or abilities. There is a thing called emperfi and simplify. It's not hard to understand, you can work it out if you have a plant, you don't need a kid to make you understand.

But what having children does seem to do it cone off any way of thinking that does not include your kids. 

Case in point... I don't make an effort to see my nephews!?

If I didn't make an effort to see my nephews, I would not see them at all. It's all a one sided road on this subject, I guess "you will not understand till you have kids" is a meterfore meaning I'm to lasy to come down and see you, or call you to arrange a meeting. 

Never once has this happened, never once has any effort to bring the boys to me, making sure that they do get to see there uncle, but no... That can't work at all cos you might what, make your children happy, help out an over worked brother. Take some presser off you per ants that you use as babysitters all the fucking time. 

No cos that would take some of that effort that you blame me for not giving.

But when someone is giving effort, the only effort he can you you tell him that his dead to them and not to come around again, taking the little time I did see them and making sure that becomes nothing at all. That's just dumb, hurtful to both myself and the kids and wrong.

Lastly there is one last thing... And this is to you michelle. I've never onces named anyone in my blog but for this I'm going to brake my rules.

There is never ever a time to physically attack someone... I don't care how angery or hurt you are! You talk like an adult and work it out you do not go around hitting people like some lost child who can't get it's own way. I know you were raised like shit and had this kind of action done to you but you should do better, you should teach your kids not to see voilcance as a means of getting you point across. 

I don't think you will ever understand this or you would have done already, your 29 years of age and you still think it's ok to attack people. I had a lot of love for you once, as my friend, as my sister not just a mother. Now you are to me what you told me to be.... "Dead to you"

A weekend of lust, love and missing pieces

I am feeling really bad, hurt and broken...

Tonight I shot in a strip club, sorry gentlemans club.

And it made me feel so down, I'm not sure why, the gig was from someone who I met at a networking event a while back, she had some performancers doing some Ariel as well as some fire/pole dancing. But as I was shooting for the club I also got some other images while I was there.

Me being me I asked each girl before I took any images and while I'm not shocked most didn't want any images I did feel a little funny as a performer myself it's a little funny not wanting images. As I waited for images to show themselfs I would catch the eyes of the girls, they would smile and walk towards me, then they would remember my face or see the camera and then there face would drop and they would walk by.

I don't know why this should effict me but it's something I'm not used to, it's like they saw me as something amazing till they worked out I was not a punter. This was not the case with some of the girls... Some talked cod shit like most randoms do in normal clubs and were mostly really nice people but I could not shake the idea of how they saw me. Me being a man, I know it sounds silly but I'm not used to women seeing me as such.

I saw how they work with the guys and how the guys would take them, talk with them and touch them in a way I through was not allowed in these kinds of club, nothing really bad just I had always through that clubs like this always had a hands off policy.

When I left the club I popped into a fast food place and was around the normally 2am drunks and party goers and I just felt a little more shit than normal, thinking that I was going home to an empty house and got me thinking what am I doing with my life... What do I have to show? 

I work hard every day and push myself to do new and exciting things but this (and with my other job) has really got me feeling  a like shit. I fear I will die a loney man, alone with only my cats to miss me - then again they will pass a long time before I do so that's even more depressing.

Tomorrow I shoot another club, then I'm shooting a couple the following day that are about to be married, I guess this is a weekend of love, lust and missing pieces.

Busy Skinny

Ive been very busy of late... but here is a little sample of what ive been up to

Lose

Lose...

Lose is a strange thing... I've hand a lot of it in my life but I'm talking about when someone passes away. A close friend or a family member. I don't know why I'm thinking of it today but I am so I through I would write about it.

When I was 11 my nan died, it hit me hard as we didn't have much in the way of close family, yes we had them but as they lived so far away we didn't know them so losing someone like this was a real downer on my life, she was so full of life and thinking of the things that she lived through made me think that life is not all sun shine and roses. 

It's hard to think how I coped with it as I was so young but death touched me and I was never the same.

A few years later after battling a heart condition my brother died at the age of 25... This one was the kicker. Someone so young and loved by many was taken to parts unknown and it's still hits us now, we all dealt with it differently.  My dad opened up and started to show us his feeling as before this he was a very hard man... My mum came out of her shell a little and my brother... Well my brother still has trouble with it on a daily basics till this day. My brothers family became distend and push us away. Myself - I went out and got fucked every weekend, trying to burry the pain and my arms are a sign that does not work. 

Death is something you never get over, you just learn to deal with it. Someone close to me lost her mother also at a young age and while she copes with it sometimes I find her crying about it, with seemly no link but a link I could never know. Another friend has her mothers name tattooed on her hip in remembrance. I see them both looking out to the dissents sometimes, missing them of course and like me with my brother, wishes that they were back to give us a long hug or a kind word. Depending on your beliefs - that person could be watching us right now down from the stars. Or living it up in there version of paradise. 

I find it funny when people say they don't want to die, death is a part of life and it's not you that should be worrying. Death is dealt with the people you leave behind. They are the ones that have to pick up the peaces of your old life and trying to fix the holes in there own. 

I've been thinking a lot about this subject of late, I had a massive scare of late with this subject and another member of my family has cancer, while he has had nearly everything that can be done, he is now having to live the life let to him to the fullest and it scares me to think I might not get the chance to see him again before he goes.

I should put aside the issues and just go to Sweden and see him, I do hope and prey that this is something a long way away but these things happen when you least expect it. I know my brothers had a falling out before he died and I do think this eats him up sometimes... I know for a fact that they loved each other so much, I was more of the 3rd wheel but these to were very very close and love does not stop at death. 

I wonder what I would leave behind... After my remans are scattered to the wind - will people remember me? Have I left a mark that will be remembered more than a generation? Or will I just be a shadow in the winds or time. Another face on the books on the internet. I hope that my photos will live on well after mine dust has gone, wedding images are passed down so maybe my name will live on.

Death is the next great adventure... One day I'll find out if my family waits on me in the stars or if we just rejoin the life stream with no memory of who we were

Life - Love it or leave it.

Life has a habit of doing these thing to you, you get a ow point and then a high point... just to give you shit and drag you back down again, Yes i know this is life but im starting to think there might be something more to this...

A good friend of mine has bipolar and im starting to think i might have the same... my difference is it seems to happen over days then over hours.

Yesterday  was feeling down and after a chat with someone I felt even more down, today i feel as low as you can get - then i get a knock at the door and i had some people from my housing office telling me once again that i must clear my balcony... Yes i would love to but i have builder in right now and im having to use it to store some things... Then they give me attuide that its for health and safety, once again i ask them to who? "someone could start a fire" yea, someone could but they would not change if i had things on my balcony or not. but there are only 6 people with access to the balcony and they all live here... so why would they set fire to the place.

Im not going to go into the other chat i had today - but then I did have a random friend try to cheer my mood with an offer to go see a spoken word poet or should a say a rap spoken word poet in a few weeks time... guess its something to look forward to.

You ever get them throughs to jump off a bridge or step out in front of a truck... yea todays one of them days...

I had the trough of just leaving everything and move to Denmark or something, leave everything behind and just disappear - not telling anyone and just be gone

After that rage dump that was my last blog -  I've been doing some thinking.

I was wrong in blaming my friends for some things, i feel like i have been forgotten by most but there are still some friends that have been there and i understand its not all about me. People have there own lives and they must get on with them as they do.have felt lost

I have felt lost and when you lose yourself you  try to find it again, you go from one extream to another and try to centre yourself. You have a few things to do this,your home, your family and your friends.

For me my friends were always the place where i did this but for a long time it was my home... This was made up from my little family, my flat and my gear.

My family have always been funny, mostly because of the way i grown up, I have not lived at home since i was 6 and till this day, I feel like my connection to them as never been what i thought it should be... This has been told to me that this is rubbish, no on has the family thing that II saw growing up on television - While this is ture and i have learned to burry it, it still plays on my mind somedays.

And lasty to my friends... I have many friends but not many that i think of as close, My oldest friends from school I have not seen in years, the next set have all changed, moved away, moved on or just disappeared. I have been keeping some are arms leaght as I've been hurt in the past i dont want to let them get close... That in turns has made them not close friends and maybe i should let them in but I am worried.

I dont know why I wanted to rage now,  just felt i needed to vent and this is where i do it.

I will start to follow my feelings now as i cut down my world... I will learn to control them as I control my world. An old Japanese proverb said that you cut of the extra to centre the mind or something close to that point.

I will simplify the world and my life to then fix it and make it strong... after all, Streth is what i need to get through everything and im going to be string as samsonite (sadly missing the hair)

Remember friends...

Do yo remember when the word Friend used to mean something....

A time when they where there for you when you needed them, that one hint of your voice could tell them just how your feeling and just talking with them would make you feel better.

Now what does it mean, someone that you met once and is now a friend on facebook. Over the last few years I have had alot of people come into my life calling themselves friends but only seem to want to see me sad,  or give me advice at a time when i really needed it and lead me down a dark path.

Friends that used me for who i was or made me into something im not. I was weak for a long time and while i do blame myself for my actions I maybe just wanted someone to grab me and tell me that im doing wrong... I had someone that would tell me but in my lost state I push them far away and not one of them told me this was a mistake, most push me to make that chose.

In the last 2 weeks I have really needed a friend and I have had no calls to my door and very few to my phone. I have desided to make my world a small an loney place, I dont want to but it seems that all my old friends are gone or changed into something that just adds bad things or idea's to my life.

I dont know why but i feel like shit and when i needed a friend to tell me what i needed to hear all i got was people telling me what they wanted to hear. Maybe im buring bridges and im going to piss alot of people off but seeing how most dont even know of this blog i dout they will ever know.

This is how im feeling right now and this is where my head is... I have to tell someone but I feel like i have no one to tell it to... lose is something that I myself must deal with and like most of my life its something i have to deal with alone.  I guess it will make me stronger for it.

I wonder if you know...

Some times you just wanna talk with your best friend... even if you know you cant sometimes its just nice to know there still there

The more I try

I find it harder and harder to get you off my mind, the more I try to push you aside the more I find you there, this is so hard that I can't sleep at night, body tired but mind wide awake and I'm not even sure if you ever read these or not. 

I don't know how you feel or even if you think of me any more but know that I'm thinking of you, songs on the radio, movies on the telly... I miss you but I don't know how to deal with this. 

I long into Skype every day hoping for a smilie only to find no message, I check your blogs only to find it not updated. I've been trying to sleep tonight but I have images running around my head...

 I know this is meant to be good for us but that does not stop it from hurting. 

I miss you squishie, I hope you liked the new ink... I think you know the meaning x