Lost in Lightroom

The other week I tried to back up last years catalog for my images... 

2012 was the 1st FULL year that I had my canon camera. I only shoot using RAW (The highest quitily me camera can take) but the trouble with shooting RAW is that each image is around 25mb. When you take it into acount that I should around 100 images when im on one of my walks, about 400 when I cover an event and somewhere in the 700 mark for a shoot - It all mounts up.

I tend to wait till I'm back home before I delete any images and sometimes I only delete the ones that are really bad. I tend keep the ones that just dont do it for me. Thinking that they would do it later.

My trouble today is this... There are 2 people I have the most pics of, One is my cat Jinx and the other is Fluff... I am having no trouble deleting images of my cat but when it comes to fluff I just cant seem to do it. There are alot that will never see the light of day and she herself would want me to delete them. But now I'm here doing it, I find it hard. I might never get to get that shot again, That silly just woke up in the morning with hair all over the place - that small smile in a coffee shop and most of all that look in her eyes when she was looking at me through the camera.

I guess I should just get over this... or just buy A bigger hard drive but I just felt I wanted to share my feelings on this, I want to have the chance to shoot her again in all the different moments that have nothing to do with photography. Iwill work this out I guess

The difference Talk Time Can Do

Last night I had a long chat with someone very close to me... She and I have not spoken in a while. 

We were as tight as 2 humans can be for a long time and not having her in my life has brought many mixed feelings, But at the same time I really have missed her more then I can say.

She asked me what I see in the future and I can not say but I want to find out, I want you in my life in one way or the other... The point being is after a long chat I feel we have something to build on now.

There could be a killer time to come and once again I am proud to be on this road with you again. 

Looking back, Looking forward

Why is it that when i get some time by myself, I keep thinking about to old times, thinking of old memories and one person. 

I wish that this was not the case, I wish I was so over it I could just think of the good times and the things that we did but no, life is not like that... I feel like I am just postponing this and have yet to get over it. 

I need to move on but there memories are so fresh and clear in my mind - Songs come into my head and visions pass through my brain. Time is a great healer - and i wish it would hurry the fuck up!

Happiness Goes Both Ways

Tonight I was backing up images from 2012 and I came apone a pic of Fluff...

And I smiled, It is funny that she can still make me happy after everything we have been through together, Of late it has been hard to think of her as there is alot on my plate... I do still love her but I cant be withher right now.

This image was shot in July (A few months before we split) just before I went off on a photo walk in Hyde park and she looks happy, smiling while on the phone to someone, I dont know who is on the phone but she is happy, something that I did not get to see as much as I wanted to.

I find myself now thinking of the diffrence of happiness then to now, Yes I was unhappy but for small moments in time I was more happy than I ever have been, Every day had its little bits of happiness.

It was not just when I was with my friends or out having fun but sitting at work or cooking food, Taking a short walk in the rain... I think i was happy in total if not all the time while now im happy more of the time but not inside. I am doing all the things that make me happy but when I was with you - I was happy doing nothing...

My tattoo says "Man Targer, Vad man haver" - "You take what you have", in other words "Make the best with what you have" Is this something I should have taken to acount? did the grass turn out to be greener or did it just seem that way?

This was meant to be our time to be away from each other and to give us time to think about were we are at,  I am guessing that we are no longer having "This Time" but I still see this as time to sort out my head and get myself together... 

But When I smile you come up, when you come up I smile - This is me still thinking of you Fluff - This is how I deal with this, This is how I feel when I can say my word. 

Jag saknar dig

Bring in the New Year

Tonight I have had an amazing night, with friends I love and care for so much that the world would seem black without them.

My life would seem a little sad without these guys around, The Sex, The Peace and The Pixie just seem to make life that more colorful and bright. 

Thank you for letting me be part of your lives and I will always be grateful for the time's we have had - having and times yet to come!

A through on the Old Year as The New comes in

Sometimes in life you have to brake something to make it better... Stronger and able to do the things that it never througt it could. Giving it the push it needs to make it without all the extra crap of having a pojkvän to mix things up. 

My life has had such a turn around in the last few months that its hard to keep a handle on it sometimes. Friends found and lost, Diets changing and times to find out who I am.

Big things have changed with the small things and my anchor has shifted in the sand, My family worry about me, my Fluff is un-happy and sometimes I forget what day of the week it is. My friends have been great to me of late with alot of surport and kind words. TheSex has shown his heart and been a great shoulder when I have needed it, ThePixie has chatted with me till the wee small hours to work out the depths of my troubled mind and ThePeace has been just that! A carmimg  entity for my soul.

Its funny that I used to have one person that did all of this for me, my soul mate who knew me through and through. Someone who could almost read my mind and know what I was feeling without a word said. It makes me sad to think that she is not happy. She has all the things that she wanted in her life now but me, Maybe I was a bigger part of her heart then she lead me to believe. A Shame this side did not show in the mindle when it was needed most but then I know I was probably just as bad, if not worse.

But we cant go backwards, Take the things we learned and use them now in this new form of our lives, I have so many good memories and alot of them will stay with me till my dieing day.

I miss you alot Ylva! dont think for a second that I dont! 

We will meet again, dont know how when and in what form but I have a feeling this is not the last of Skilva! weather that be as friends or plant life. pusspuss

Skinny Love The Song

Its funny how one song and make you think, even so when it has your own name in it...

The lyrics seem to talk to you and mean so much more than other songs... it has meanings to it should not in my own life but when you have something like...

"Come on skinny love, just last the year

Pour a little salt, we were never here"

How is that not meant to be talking to me when it is telling me about my love or about the past.

"I tell my love to wreck it all

Cut out all the ropes and let me fall"

After this time apart I am still thinking of her and I am thinking hard, reading blogs that are ment for me and reading in between the line is what has always got my into trouble, Asking the the questions that I know will not lead to the places I want to be.

Only a few Clicks

So when should I remove it... 

This has been a sore spot and it feels weird even think about it but It has to come off in the end... Funny that now its all over that removing the silly little thing on facebook means so much. 

Ending a relationship status should be a simple click away but making that click seems to mean so much. Every time I see it on my page it brings back memories... The good and the bad. Should I wait till the end of the year like we said or should I just click and be done with it.

I will think on it a little longer but one day when ive done a bottle of jack and sung our song a million times, raised my fingers and said my goodbyes... maybe on that day it will go, Just right now... im not ready to say that goodbye yet

Someone 4ife

This has been one very interesting weekend...

A ring at the door and she was back, so tiny and small I had almost forgot. Bag up and coat off but it might as well been a time machine rolling back the clocks. She was here, the real one and only. What a difference a few weeks away from it all can do for a person.

Things have changed and I must change with them, hope springs eternal and gives me the chance to have what I wish... We shall see where this new road leads and I think it might end with something amazing!

PMI THROUGH THE ROOF!

Thank you so much for this, thank you for being the one that has not left me alone and most of all... Thank you for becoming you, again <3

Black is never Grey

The black hole I was in just got that bit darker and deeper, The news of late came to the ears of the one who needed to hear it, and the ending that I hoped to avoid has come.

I feel that this is a hole I'm never going to come up from and at times I hope never to, Life is flitting and never ending, no peace at the end, not blackness to engulf me. Life just keeps on living and I know when I am gone my soul is just going to be spat back out in a new life-form.

 Promises I cant make are just that, broken promises. 

Be strong and fight for the life you want, make it happen with everything in your soul and I know that in the end, I will hear about it.

4ife

To set the flames

In the next few days I have to make a big decision and I'm not sure what it will mean, this could be the end of something big but I feel that it needs to be done.

Why does life throw these things at us, Thing that you know are big things and not really giving us a chose. Life is never easy and we have to live with it, Will my life turn out the way I wish or will it just become a deep dark place that is going to form a hole I will never be able to dig myself out from? 

To let it burn or to add petrol to it to make sure something new and beautiful comes from the ashes 

Could this still be?

Funny what a day can bring. 

I had a nice long chat today with someone very close to my heart today, Talking with her really does calm's my sole and helps me see things that I sometimes cant sort it out myself... 

I think that there is some big changes going to be happening in the next few months and an old plan that I longed for might still have a chance in happening. Feelings are a funny thing and head fucks are really going to drive us crazy.

I know to you guys this is not going to make any seance what so ever BUT this is more for myself.