The more I try

I find it harder and harder to get you off my mind, the more I try to push you aside the more I find you there, this is so hard that I can't sleep at night, body tired but mind wide awake and I'm not even sure if you ever read these or not. 

I don't know how you feel or even if you think of me any more but know that I'm thinking of you, songs on the radio, movies on the telly... I miss you but I don't know how to deal with this. 

I long into Skype every day hoping for a smilie only to find no message, I check your blogs only to find it not updated. I've been trying to sleep tonight but I have images running around my head...

 I know this is meant to be good for us but that does not stop it from hurting. 

I miss you squishie, I hope you liked the new ink... I think you know the meaning x

06:28

I find myself sitting in the bathroom, smoking a fag... It's nearly half six in the morning and I can't sleep.

After a long day spent sleeping and a pretty busy work shift I can't believe I'm not tired, it's been a good day really but I wish I had some sleeping pilling to help me dift off... I'm not so lucky. 

I don't know where my mind is taking me and I wish I could just left go. I'm now sitting on the sofa in the dark. Typing away on my iPad this blog that's not going anywhere. 

Soon I will try to rest my eyes and sleep again. I hope my dreams come fast and my mind does what it's meant to do at this silly time in the morning... One can hope

Lack of an inermonolog

There is a few things I'm know for but one that only a few understand is my lack of an inermonolog, when I'm tired or stressed. I lose my way and just say things that come into my head... 

Tonight I did something silly and maybe a little hurtful but my mind was on other things. The tension was a little high anyways and things were coming to a close but after watching a movie that brough a lot of throughs and feeling up it reminded of something. And with my mind things don't go in strate lines.

And that something lead to a crazy place in my head, a time of Disney love... The movie was the notebook and the comment I will not say but within a sec of it entering my head the comment had already left my lips. 

This can only mean one thing to me... Disney love is 4ife and it can never be replaced. 

That's it I'm done. I'm stoping all this silliness. I'm stoping the drugs and the drinking. I'm stoping the sleeping about and the messing with people. I need some time to myself and my feelings...

I will miss some things but not as much as I miss some others. 

The Long Nights

The life of skins is a crazy thing... It's busy and very hectic but every so often I get a night when I'm all alone and have a chance to think... This is such a night.

I came home with a plan, I needed to back up 2012s images and put them all into one catalog.  Reformat my iPhone and tidy the flat. Now all of them bar one is finished and I'm left waiting for the catalog to finish (47% right now). I'm starting to think about hitting the hay. 

Before I go to bed I look over the images from 2012 and see some of a little fluff that I love so much. Bring back images and feeling that are really hard to push aside, thinking of her is something I try to push to the back of my head most days and try to fill my time with something else(harder than you would think) 

Right now I'm typing this blog on my iPad and looking around the flat, much of it has changed since you were last here but there is still a feeling of you in the walls, this was your fav time of year, with the Christmas shows on the telly, the tunes in the radio and the lights filling the streets all across the city that we used to walk between every night before work.

You will always be a part of me and I miss you so much sometime it really does hurt... I hope you are happy in that city so far away, I hope that you have had an amazing Xmas and are enjoying yourself. I want to send you love and all the best wishes I can but at the same time tell you something in your ear. Something sweet and only between us.

I hope you hear it now and I hope it makes you smile to think of me as it does when I think of you.

Puss puss my bee, my person and I hope this year is gone with the blink of an eye so I may hear that voice again soon

Jag saknar dig min kärlek

4ife

I know it's a little late but as you know my days are a little messed up. 

Today or should I say yesterday was a very importent day for me. The 26th of November will always be marked in my head, a day that 8 years ago was the start of something Amazing in my life. Something that has since gone but will not be forgotten and a part of me hopes will some day be celebrated again. 

I miss you boo, but I hold hope it will not be to long till I see you again. 

Ohana. 4ife. <3

Dealing

I dont think im dealing well right now....

Yes this is one of them blogs... and its been a while so I must say im sorry but right now i dont think anyones reading this anyway so hay.

This year as been a hard one, braking up with my soul mate and learnin to live by myself again has been a very hard thing. Working to much is draning the life from me and im still trying to push through everything by myself is just gettin me down, i feel depressed most of the time without a real reason to feel this way.

My body clock is just fucked, working 5 nights a week till nearly 6 in the morning, having a breakfast meeting ones every 2 weeks is fucking it up even more so and trying to live and see people (one of the few things that really bring joy to my heart) is also a drang on my energy levels.

I need money to pay bills and save for travailing next year but working this hard is really killing me. At the same time I go a little crazy if i have to much time to think so im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My Rock used to help me here, she gave me direction and help when i needed it, told me to calm down and sleeep but at the same time would wake me when i slept to much. but she has not gone and i have to do it all by myself. Its true that you dont know what you had till its gone but I could no longer be that burden to her. She needs to grow and live her own life. As much as i miss her i know she is better off without me in her life.

So what to do... I think i know what needs to be done but i dont know how to do it. Do i drop a day at work to give me some life and energy back but by doing that i will lose out on income. I never wanted to be rich but right now i cant efford to really do it.

Why cant life just be that little bit easier - just for a short while till im back on my feet again.

"LIFE CHILL THE FUCK OUT! and then show me who to do it" - Jipp

Posted on 2013/11/04

And like that... She's Gone

This week Fluff and I wanted to spend a week together, A week where we were back in a bubble, Loved up and together.

The week went amazing and we spent alot of time in each others arms and I loved every second of it, it felt like we were back to a few years ago and i saw love in her eyes and I felt it in mine. This lost week would be our last week and we wanted it to say how we onc felt for each other all those years ago.

But as i look back on it now, i find myself thinking... have I done the right thing, is this whats meant to be and why did we fall out of love in the 1st place. We had fights and alot of them but there was always love, where did that go away. What happened and why do we find ourselfs in this place now?

My hearts braking and there is nothing i can do to stop it.

History

Looking forward to next week when I have a little someone in my town.

I think there is something wrong with me...

Today I got an early/Late Bday pressy from one of my closest friends. It wa GTAV for the xbox and in my random driving and killing i popped into the strip club... While tossing dollars at the feet of the dancers I found myself thinking of a strange thing. It was not titillation or every horny (it is a computer game after all )

I found myself looking at the style of the different dancers, the tricks and skills of the mo-cap (Motion capture) of the pole dancers... I dont know if this was the fact that ive spent alot of the last 10years around a dancer or just my brain being broken but I am starting to think there really is something wrong with me :(

Brain dump

Well once again its been a while. Life does not always find time for blogging and when its been as crazy as my life gets it gets even harder...

Times have changed and people have to, my life has been one big fight and hill after another these past few months and I dont see things changing soon. I think i know what to do and how to fix it but its all about getting things sorted before hand and that is where everything comes to blows.

Life is hard and we pray for the strength to keep on fighting it. With Up's there will be downs and finding a middle grown is sometimes a very hard thing to find. Love, Friends, Family and Money all have there ware on me and spending time alone to save money just makes every little thing seem so much bigger.

I am not 100% sure why i have come back to my blog to put some of these things down on a screen but a little feed dump could only help I guess.

For now I leave you with love and I hope that your life is a little smoother than mine.