Busy Skinny

Ive been very busy of late... but here is a little sample of what ive been up to

Lose

Lose...

Lose is a strange thing... I've hand a lot of it in my life but I'm talking about when someone passes away. A close friend or a family member. I don't know why I'm thinking of it today but I am so I through I would write about it.

When I was 11 my nan died, it hit me hard as we didn't have much in the way of close family, yes we had them but as they lived so far away we didn't know them so losing someone like this was a real downer on my life, she was so full of life and thinking of the things that she lived through made me think that life is not all sun shine and roses. 

It's hard to think how I coped with it as I was so young but death touched me and I was never the same.

A few years later after battling a heart condition my brother died at the age of 25... This one was the kicker. Someone so young and loved by many was taken to parts unknown and it's still hits us now, we all dealt with it differently.  My dad opened up and started to show us his feeling as before this he was a very hard man... My mum came out of her shell a little and my brother... Well my brother still has trouble with it on a daily basics till this day. My brothers family became distend and push us away. Myself - I went out and got fucked every weekend, trying to burry the pain and my arms are a sign that does not work. 

Death is something you never get over, you just learn to deal with it. Someone close to me lost her mother also at a young age and while she copes with it sometimes I find her crying about it, with seemly no link but a link I could never know. Another friend has her mothers name tattooed on her hip in remembrance. I see them both looking out to the dissents sometimes, missing them of course and like me with my brother, wishes that they were back to give us a long hug or a kind word. Depending on your beliefs - that person could be watching us right now down from the stars. Or living it up in there version of paradise. 

I find it funny when people say they don't want to die, death is a part of life and it's not you that should be worrying. Death is dealt with the people you leave behind. They are the ones that have to pick up the peaces of your old life and trying to fix the holes in there own. 

I've been thinking a lot about this subject of late, I had a massive scare of late with this subject and another member of my family has cancer, while he has had nearly everything that can be done, he is now having to live the life let to him to the fullest and it scares me to think I might not get the chance to see him again before he goes.

I should put aside the issues and just go to Sweden and see him, I do hope and prey that this is something a long way away but these things happen when you least expect it. I know my brothers had a falling out before he died and I do think this eats him up sometimes... I know for a fact that they loved each other so much, I was more of the 3rd wheel but these to were very very close and love does not stop at death. 

I wonder what I would leave behind... After my remans are scattered to the wind - will people remember me? Have I left a mark that will be remembered more than a generation? Or will I just be a shadow in the winds or time. Another face on the books on the internet. I hope that my photos will live on well after mine dust has gone, wedding images are passed down so maybe my name will live on.

Death is the next great adventure... One day I'll find out if my family waits on me in the stars or if we just rejoin the life stream with no memory of who we were

Life - Love it or leave it.

Life has a habit of doing these thing to you, you get a ow point and then a high point... just to give you shit and drag you back down again, Yes i know this is life but im starting to think there might be something more to this...

A good friend of mine has bipolar and im starting to think i might have the same... my difference is it seems to happen over days then over hours.

Yesterday  was feeling down and after a chat with someone I felt even more down, today i feel as low as you can get - then i get a knock at the door and i had some people from my housing office telling me once again that i must clear my balcony... Yes i would love to but i have builder in right now and im having to use it to store some things... Then they give me attuide that its for health and safety, once again i ask them to who? "someone could start a fire" yea, someone could but they would not change if i had things on my balcony or not. but there are only 6 people with access to the balcony and they all live here... so why would they set fire to the place.

Im not going to go into the other chat i had today - but then I did have a random friend try to cheer my mood with an offer to go see a spoken word poet or should a say a rap spoken word poet in a few weeks time... guess its something to look forward to.

You ever get them throughs to jump off a bridge or step out in front of a truck... yea todays one of them days...

I had the trough of just leaving everything and move to Denmark or something, leave everything behind and just disappear - not telling anyone and just be gone

After that rage dump that was my last blog -  I've been doing some thinking.

I was wrong in blaming my friends for some things, i feel like i have been forgotten by most but there are still some friends that have been there and i understand its not all about me. People have there own lives and they must get on with them as they do.have felt lost

I have felt lost and when you lose yourself you  try to find it again, you go from one extream to another and try to centre yourself. You have a few things to do this,your home, your family and your friends.

For me my friends were always the place where i did this but for a long time it was my home... This was made up from my little family, my flat and my gear.

My family have always been funny, mostly because of the way i grown up, I have not lived at home since i was 6 and till this day, I feel like my connection to them as never been what i thought it should be... This has been told to me that this is rubbish, no on has the family thing that II saw growing up on television - While this is ture and i have learned to burry it, it still plays on my mind somedays.

And lasty to my friends... I have many friends but not many that i think of as close, My oldest friends from school I have not seen in years, the next set have all changed, moved away, moved on or just disappeared. I have been keeping some are arms leaght as I've been hurt in the past i dont want to let them get close... That in turns has made them not close friends and maybe i should let them in but I am worried.

I dont know why I wanted to rage now,  just felt i needed to vent and this is where i do it.

I will start to follow my feelings now as i cut down my world... I will learn to control them as I control my world. An old Japanese proverb said that you cut of the extra to centre the mind or something close to that point.

I will simplify the world and my life to then fix it and make it strong... after all, Streth is what i need to get through everything and im going to be string as samsonite (sadly missing the hair)

Remember friends...

Do yo remember when the word Friend used to mean something....

A time when they where there for you when you needed them, that one hint of your voice could tell them just how your feeling and just talking with them would make you feel better.

Now what does it mean, someone that you met once and is now a friend on facebook. Over the last few years I have had alot of people come into my life calling themselves friends but only seem to want to see me sad,  or give me advice at a time when i really needed it and lead me down a dark path.

Friends that used me for who i was or made me into something im not. I was weak for a long time and while i do blame myself for my actions I maybe just wanted someone to grab me and tell me that im doing wrong... I had someone that would tell me but in my lost state I push them far away and not one of them told me this was a mistake, most push me to make that chose.

In the last 2 weeks I have really needed a friend and I have had no calls to my door and very few to my phone. I have desided to make my world a small an loney place, I dont want to but it seems that all my old friends are gone or changed into something that just adds bad things or idea's to my life.

I dont know why but i feel like shit and when i needed a friend to tell me what i needed to hear all i got was people telling me what they wanted to hear. Maybe im buring bridges and im going to piss alot of people off but seeing how most dont even know of this blog i dout they will ever know.

This is how im feeling right now and this is where my head is... I have to tell someone but I feel like i have no one to tell it to... lose is something that I myself must deal with and like most of my life its something i have to deal with alone.  I guess it will make me stronger for it.