Lose

Lose...

Lose is a strange thing... I've hand a lot of it in my life but I'm talking about when someone passes away. A close friend or a family member. I don't know why I'm thinking of it today but I am so I through I would write about it.

When I was 11 my nan died, it hit me hard as we didn't have much in the way of close family, yes we had them but as they lived so far away we didn't know them so losing someone like this was a real downer on my life, she was so full of life and thinking of the things that she lived through made me think that life is not all sun shine and roses. 

It's hard to think how I coped with it as I was so young but death touched me and I was never the same.

A few years later after battling a heart condition my brother died at the age of 25... This one was the kicker. Someone so young and loved by many was taken to parts unknown and it's still hits us now, we all dealt with it differently.  My dad opened up and started to show us his feeling as before this he was a very hard man... My mum came out of her shell a little and my brother... Well my brother still has trouble with it on a daily basics till this day. My brothers family became distend and push us away. Myself - I went out and got fucked every weekend, trying to burry the pain and my arms are a sign that does not work. 

Death is something you never get over, you just learn to deal with it. Someone close to me lost her mother also at a young age and while she copes with it sometimes I find her crying about it, with seemly no link but a link I could never know. Another friend has her mothers name tattooed on her hip in remembrance. I see them both looking out to the dissents sometimes, missing them of course and like me with my brother, wishes that they were back to give us a long hug or a kind word. Depending on your beliefs - that person could be watching us right now down from the stars. Or living it up in there version of paradise. 

I find it funny when people say they don't want to die, death is a part of life and it's not you that should be worrying. Death is dealt with the people you leave behind. They are the ones that have to pick up the peaces of your old life and trying to fix the holes in there own. 

I've been thinking a lot about this subject of late, I had a massive scare of late with this subject and another member of my family has cancer, while he has had nearly everything that can be done, he is now having to live the life let to him to the fullest and it scares me to think I might not get the chance to see him again before he goes.

I should put aside the issues and just go to Sweden and see him, I do hope and prey that this is something a long way away but these things happen when you least expect it. I know my brothers had a falling out before he died and I do think this eats him up sometimes... I know for a fact that they loved each other so much, I was more of the 3rd wheel but these to were very very close and love does not stop at death. 

I wonder what I would leave behind... After my remans are scattered to the wind - will people remember me? Have I left a mark that will be remembered more than a generation? Or will I just be a shadow in the winds or time. Another face on the books on the internet. I hope that my photos will live on well after mine dust has gone, wedding images are passed down so maybe my name will live on.

Death is the next great adventure... One day I'll find out if my family waits on me in the stars or if we just rejoin the life stream with no memory of who we were